Since childhood, I've always loved taking magazine quizzes that could tell me more about my inner self. Even if it was something silly like which television character I related to the most. As a teenager, I scoured every personality test out there to find my DISC profile and which Enneagram I had. Now as an adult I'm still fascinated by questionnaires; especially the Proust one in the back of Vanity Fair magazine. With this in mind, I hung a dry erase board up in my office kitchen for folks to anonymously answer weekly questions I posted. Below are some questions that were written and my answers to them. Feel free to use these questions with the people in your lives.
Note: My book gets brought up a lot because...well, this website is an advertising base for it. Maybe by learning about me you'll learn about you too.
Okay, let's get to know each other. Woo!
Looking at your bank account, what do you spend the most money on? -My kids (which is funny because they both have jobs).
What song lyric easily gets stuck in your head? -"Pink Pony Club" was the last actual song I heard on the radio this morning. The chorus easily gets stuck in my head. Then again, so does the catchy ditty on this Progressive Insurance commercial. https://www.bing.com/videos/riverview/relatedvideo?q=progressive+commerical&&mid=98FAE5ADBCC47DE96FB498FAE5ADBCC47DE96FB4&FORM=VCGVRP
Where do you buy your groceries? -Kroger.
What is the dumbest way you've injured yourself? -Probably emotionally, I rarely give myself enough validation.
What is your guilty pleasure movie to watch? -Home Alone! I could quote ninety percent of this classic.
How do you define success? -Having a roof over your head, food in your belly, clothes on your body, and people you love who love you back.
What was your last "do it yourself" project? -Does making an art collage count? Cool, then making an art collage.
What language would you like to learn? How many do you currently speak? -I've accepted defeat with learning a foreign language. I can barely speak English properly.
What is your dream car? -This is in my Motorized Vehicles chapter: G-Wagen, VW bus, Chrysler 300, or a raised truck with big ass tires. The Land Rover Defender is also pretty sweet. If you can't tell, I appreciate the boxier vehicles...that are way out of my price range.
If you had a day off from all responsibilities, how would that day unfold? -Alone time outside with a book until the sun goes down. Then a large dinner and dessert with Boops at one of our usual haunts.
How long have you known your best friend? -Since the first grade. I love you, M.
What's more important to you, love or money? -Meh, money. It can buy love, haha. Sigh.
What does family mean to you? -Loyalty and support.
What is your favorite thing about your current job? -My full-time job: the paycheck. My part-time job: the people.
What does religion/spirituality mean to you? -I'm still figuring this one out. Although my son recently suggested that we should attend church together. Wild.
What is the most useful skill you possess? -In the right environment, pop culture trivia.
What are your irrational fears? -Zippers. I'm terrified of getting my skin caught in them. Blech. Or anything coming towards my eyes. I can't even watch people put in contacts. It's gross.
What's the best thing that has happened to you this week? -My son sharing a personal story with me. It brings me immense joy that both of my kids can be open with me and I with them.
If your life had a theme song, what would it be? -"She's Always a Woman" by Billy Joel.
What are your hobbies? -I just started hot yoga again. I take long walks with my best friend every Saturday morning. Boops and I ride bicycles or take long walk in the evenings. I read a lot too.
Favorite junk foods to eat? -Ice cream, Gajar Halwa (a warm Indian carrot dish), apple crisp, strawberry shortcake, coconut cream pie, Sour Punch Straws, I could go on I'm a sucker for sweets.
What incredibly common thing have you never done? -I have never had an Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, Twitter, LinkedIn or Facebook account. Social media is the worst.
Have you ever been fired from a job? Explain. -Yup. This is in my Money Makers chapter. I was fired after ten years with a company and I'm still bitter about it.
How many sexual partners have you had? -You know how long a CVS receipt is? Yeah, combine a bunch of them together and my list is about that long. The actual number is shared in my Men & Sex chapter. Like Skittles, I have tasted the rainbow. Zing!
What outdoor activity would you like to try that you haven't done yet? -Bungee jump over a body of water. This is riskier for me because I can't swim.
Who is the most fashionable musician? -Rhianna. (non-musician, Colman Domingo).
What is the last new thing you tried? -My daughter's zucchini bread. I finished the whole loaf within an hour. Not only does she bake well, but I have little self-control when it comes to breakfast breads.
What would you change about your physical appearance? -My hips. Shakira said it best.
What material item do you consider a waste of money? -Having the latest cell phone or buying a piece of clothing that costs more than my rent. Sheer stupidity to me.
When you hear the word politics what words come to mind? -Riot inducing.
What subject should be taught in school that isn't? -Finance 101 (understanding stocks and bonds, the ins and outs of home buying, etc.).
Where's the perfect place to have a date? -Outdoors.
Besides essentials (food, clothing, people), what two things can't you live without? -My (semi-decent) health and music.
What is the greatest physical gift you have received? -My surprise 40th birthday party and all that came with it.
What is your favorite scent? -Philosophy Pure Grace.
What is the longest intimate relationship you've had? -Boops and I just celebrated ten years on the 13th. Goodness!
What do you normally dream about at night? -Someone is either naked or murdered which pretty much sums up the television programming I watch too.
What foods do you typically eat for a snack? -Frozen purple grapes.
Which cartoons did you watch as a kid? -I loved the theme song to Animaniacs and Duck Tales but don't remember watching them. I do remember watching Doug, The Simpsons, and Daria.
Finish this sentence: Back in my day we... -played outside until the streetlights came on. The best.
What is your favorite means of foreplay? -If I may be so bold to say, it's all about the foreplay! My favorite part though is simply the hot and heavy passionate kissing.
Where was your first job? -An ice cream franchise.
What are your favorite restaurants? -I'm known by name at the local Sakura (Japanese) and Saffron (Indian) restaurants.
What application gets the most use on your phone? -Does the calculator count? I don't download applications (spoken like a proper elder) on my phone.
Given the option, what would you change your name to? -Something silly like on that Friends episode. "Young Lady" would really give my aging self a fun facelift too.
What television show have you binged more than once? -Shameless (the U.S. version) and New Girl.
What personality trait must your friends possess? -A twisted sense of humor.
What methods of exercise do you enjoy? -See the answers to the hobby question above.
Best song to karaoke to? Worst? -Best, Bjork's "It's Oh So Quiet". Worst, Don McLean's "American Pie" (Sorry, not sorry, this song is too damn long for karaoke). Side Note: I recently attended Bingo Loco (look it up!) and learned Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing" would also make a fab karaoke song for me because I remembered all the lyrics from when I played Barbie's as a kid and had them sing along to it.
How do you feel about stand-up comedy? -Yes, please! In fact, I already have tickets to see Michelle Buteau and Margaret Cho in 2026.
Which wild animal would you want as a pet? -Jellyfish. But not in a Will Smith Seven Pounds type of way. I just find them mesmerizing.
If you could be an extra in any music video, which one would you choose? -Seeing my animated self in a Gorillaz music video would be fun. I still think "Dare" should have been set in a roller-skating rink. Doesn't it put off that vibe?
What television show are you currently obsessed with? -How far back are we talking? I enjoy psychological thrillers like The Beast in Me, Task, The Sinner, The Undoing, Paradise, and Disclaimer. A ton of true-crime documentaries that all kinda run together (but currently Taking the Stand). And for balance a healthy dose of comedy like Abbott Elementary, Loot, Adults, Community, and Schitt's Creek.
What genre of movie do you prefer to watch? -Those based on a true-story always rope me in. Roofman was the last one I saw. I loved the comparison photo they showed during the end credits.
If you could trade places with someone for a day who would you pick? -Zayn Malik, to know how it feels to be the most handsomest man on planet Earth. Agree to disagree.
What clubs or sports were you involved in, in high school? -I wasn't, but I hung out in the hacky sack circle during lunch period.
What are you top five favorite music albums? -In no particular order: Pearl Jam's Vs., Fiona Apple's When the Pawn..., Tori Amos's From the Choirgirl Hotel, Nirvana's MTV Unplugged in New York, and Janet Jackson's Design of a Decade. "Hello, I'm Heather Joy and I was clearly raised in the nineties."
What book has influenced you? -The first book I remember having the greatest impact on me was Elie Wiesel's Night. It led to a period of overdosing on more Holocaust reading material.
Have you ever attended professional counseling? If so, for what? -Duh. For normal life reasons because life is bananas (Thanks, Gwen Stefani)!
What do you need to be in the mood for sex? -Feeling wanted and desired helps.
What are your favorite quotes or mantras to live by? -"This too shall pass" might be a cliche, but I dig it. "It's all about perspective" is another great one.
Give me a fun fact. -There are more bacteria in a human mouth than there are people in the world. Yuck, right?
What image is on your phone wallpaper? -My lover's foot. There's a funny story there, I promise.
Name a visual artist and your favorite piece by them. -Audrey Kawasaki, My Dishonest Heart.
How many hours of sleep do you typically get a night? -It hovers around five or six, but I rarely sleep through the night.
What are your favorite board games to play? -Catch Phrase, Blank Slate, Cards Against Humanity, Scattergories, Loaded Questions, Kings Corners...
If you weren't working your current job, where would you want to work? -An event planner for celebrities. I've been known to throw fun parties, why not get paid the big bucks for it?
Where do you generally shop for clothes? -Thrift shops (props to Goodwill for having fitting rooms) and Poshmark.
What are some memorable concerts you've been to? -Madonna with my daughter was awesome. What an icon. There's also a 90s cover band that comes here often called Saved by the 90s; they always put on a fun show.
Tell me your favorite joke. -What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts. (You're welcome.) Or to be kid appropriate: Don't spell part backwards, it's a trap!
What are the top three beverages you drink the most? -Tap water (because I'm so adventurous), hot soy milk matcha with no foam, and plain hot green tea.
What recreational drugs have you taken? -It'd probably be easier to tell you which ones I haven't taken. Pssh.
Have you ever had major surgery? -Cesarian sections, twice!
What's your favorite song to dance to? -I could go on for days with this answer because there are so many different opportunities to dance. Driving? Ludacris “Move Bitch” At a wedding? ABBA “Dancing Queen” In your living room? Crystal Waters “100% Pure Love” A full-on rage dance? Rammstein “Du hast” Exercising? Outkast “B.O.B.” In your childhood bedroom? Technotronic “Pump Up the Jam” At a party? Chic “Good Times” A song with actual dance moves? Los del Rio “Macarena” If you find yourself on a bunch of uppers? Darude “Sandstorm” See? The possibilities are endless!
If you found a $100 bill on the ground, what would you spend it on? -Bills. Yes, that is a lame adult answer, but it's the truth.
What does the news talk about that you find overrated? -The Royal Family. Or influencers, which shouldn't even be considered a job. There, I said it.
What one food could you eat daily and not get sick of? -Heated salted edamame, which lately, I pretty much do.
Ever meet a celebrity? Who? -Questlove. He was such a dear.
Tell me something off your bucket list. -Attend a Burning Man festival. I really think I'd be in my element.
How do you protect your health? -By wearing sunscreen (finally), my seat belt, and a bicycle helmet. Oh, and I eat a shit ton of fruits and vegetables on the regular.
What is your favorite holiday? -Halloween!
What celebrity chef would you like to cook with? -I'm not familiar with many celebrity chefs, so I'll say the first one that comes to mind, Gordon Ramsay.
How do you feel about aging? -I feel like it's the pits! I wake up to random hairs on my body, more peach fuzz on my face, stray gray hairs on my head, hot flashes during the day, constant memory loss, arthritis in my wrists, and wrinkles on my face. So yeah, whomever said women age gracefully is a gahdamn liar. Ha.
What item in your house holds sentimental value to you? -All the paperwork (my kids school artwork, greeting cards from friends and family, letters, etc.). These things are priceless.
How many hours a day do you use your cell phone? -Probably under one hour. Yes, this does exist! Give it a whirl sometime.
What do you collect? Even unintentionally. -Clothes. And yet sometimes I don't want to wear any of them.
Out of all 50 states, what are some highlights of where you have traveled? -Garden of the Gods in Colorado, Zion National Park in Utah, and Highway One in California.
Who would you pick to be stranded on a desert highway with? -Juliette Lewis (the actress). Not only do I think we'd have similar stories to swap, but I feel like we'd just have a blast together.
What's in your junk drawer? -I have a junk cabinet in my kitchen. It holds recipes and cookbooks, Band-Aids and medicine, and office supplies like pens, tape, and batteries. Typical, yet useful, junk.
Do you have any allergies? -Nope (knocks on wood).
What's the last movie you saw in the theater? -Die My Love. Jennifer Lawrence did a phenomenal job portraying postpartum depression.
Name four things that make you happy. -A full moon, chunky babies, marching bands, and the pop sound jars make when you first break the seal. More of these are listed in my Manically Physical chapter.
What's the nicest thing someone had done for you? -Quoted a line from my book back to me in normal conversation. It left me speechless.
What genre of books do you tend to read? -Autobiographies.
Share a useful life hack with me. -Any hair that naturally falls out while shampooing, ball up on the shower wall to dispose of in the trash after your shower, that way it doesn't clog your drain.
What country would you like to visit? -Any of them! Outside of the United States, I've only been to Canada and the Bahamas.
In the movie of your life, who would play you? -Juno Temple.
Three places you would love to visit? -Alaska, New Mexico, Wyoming. Read my Motorized Vehicles chapter for the reasons why.
Which four celebrities (living or dead) would you have a dinner party with? -Adrien Brody to taste some eye candy, Anthony Ramos for an appetizer nibble, Gael Garcia Bernal to fondle for dinner, and LaKeith Stanfield for dessert. That's what you meant, right? Yum.
What random act of kindness do you commit regularly? -I always put back my "no thank you" items if I change my mind before purchasing. Anyone who works/worked in retail probably does this too because they know the annoyance of those who don't. Let's try to pay it forward and make lives easier, folks.
What makes you cry? -That one time I saw a psychic and they told me I'd die at a young age (the nerve!), That 2025 Hobby Lobby commercial where the little girl is cooking with her dad and mimicking his actions. I don't have a clue what it has to do with Hobby Lobby, but it pulls at my heartstrings every time. Oh, and bullies or online trolls. C'mon people, choose joy.
What are your work pet peeves? -Fakeness and those who "work from home" which could also be the same thing when you think about it.
Which would you rather have, a personal: chef, masseuse, maid, or trainer? -Masseuse. A daily foot and hand massage would be my fantasy come true.
What is the most expensive purchase you have made? -Does having children count? Let's be real; it's an expensive choice.
Which animated character would you befriend? -Trent Lane. We'd totally be friends with benefits. Wink, wink.
What name would you give your boat? -Wet Dreams.
What superpower do you wish you had? -Mindreading.
Where is the most beautiful place you have traveled to? -The crystal-clear water and white sand in Florida come to mind.
What is your most selfish character trait? -I can be a real stubborn bitch sometimes.
How do you relax? -By listening to that Frankie Goes to Hollywood song. I kid, I kid. Probably with a television series binge.
What's your favorite type of weather? -Sunshine. It definitely has an effect on my mood.
What is your go-to meal? -My meals are unique compared to the average person. I'll throw a bunch of beans, cumin, canned tomatoes, and corn in a pot and eat it for lunch all week, topping it with avocado. My dinners this whole week have been two packs of frozen edamame with a refrigerated Take 5 for dessert.
What is your love language (physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time)? -Words of affirmation. I'm a total slut for compliments.
When you disagree with someone, how do you react? -A mixture of confrontation at high volume or the silent treatment. I go from one extreme to the next.
Have you ever been involved in illegal activity? Explain. -Read my book and find out. Insert evil laughter here.
What's the sexiest thing about humans? -Confidence.
What are a few of your pet peeves about driving? -This is also in my Motorized Vehicles chapter: Drivers who stop at yellow lights, don't turn right on red, don't use their turn signals, can't merge properly...yeah, I'm a total road rage hothead. I'm not proud of this behavior.
Which websites do you doomscroll the most? -Etsy, Temu, Poshmark, and the Virginia Beach public library catalog.
What word or phrase do you overuse? -"You got it!" Can you feel the people pleasing behaviors ooze out of me?
Best vacation you've had? -A Disney cruise with my kids and Boops. I think it was in 2018.
What is your favorite animal? -Giraffe. My daughter's cat is a close second.
How much influence do your friends and family have on your decision making? -A normal amount??
How often do you see your parents/siblings? -My parents and brothers only a handful of times a year, but my sister more often. They all live in the same city as me too.
What advice would you give to your younger self? -Don't marry him!!!!
Name something you've eaten that others may find strange. -I put yellow mustard on my cheese pizza. There's a NYC story about this in my Meals chapter.
Which game show would you be a good contestant? -Wheel of Fortune. I like word puzzles.
How much would someone need to pay you for you to eat a cockroach? -Definitely in the millions. Those janks are nasty, vile critters!
What view would you like to wake up to daily? -Somewhere with gorgeous architecture like the Taj Mahal or those gingerbread Willy Wonka looking houses in Europe. You know the ones.
If you could time travel, what period of time would you visit? -The late sixties for Woodstock.
Do you have a name for an inanimate object in your life? Explain. -Boops and I call condoms, jim-jams.
What sports do you enjoy playing? Watching? -I enjoy playing pickleball, miniature golf, and bowling. But Ted Lasso is as far as I go with regular sports watching.
Name a trait you inherited from your parents, for better or worse. -Being prompt from my father and repeating my stories from my mother.
What color is most reflected in your wardrobe? -Black, babycakes. There's so much black.